The RS forums and all the myriad fan forums do not do one damn thing except piss and moan about all the shitty updates. So, the Jagex Brothers or someone cobbled up this gem and threw it out on the RSHumor website.
Anyway, I am not your typical gamer. I am not a 15-year old hormonal teenager who hangs out in a cave, slurping Mountain Dew and eating wads of Cheetos, Skittles and pizza; peeing in a bottle, because I might get killed by an evil tree while I walk three feet to the loo. I am 56 years old and female. I play only one game online. This is Runescape. It's what is known as an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) and is one of the better ones. There is a phenomena that presents itself in all of these games, and the two main characteristics that define them all are 1) homogeneous populations, and 2) economies that mirror our global economy. I tried the supposedly more popular MMORPGs, WoW (World of Warcraft) and COD (Call of Duty.) WoW has one of the most hat eful, corrosive attitudes I've ever run into and I couldn't even get out of the training area in COD. I have been stuck under an obstacle and can't get out. I have been there for four years. I am not enjoying this game. I do play a little Tanki, which is this off the wall game whereby you get in a pit with a bunch of players, drive around like a maniac, and use your T-34 or German .88 missiles to blow the shit out of your opponents. Because the game was created and is administrated by some Russian game designers, everyone babbles in Russian. My Russian is even suckier than my English. The conductor Yuri Timarkanov is sure that I am from Poland because of my accent when speaking Russian. O rly? Well. My parents were both from Scotland. Daddy had a typical Glaswegian accent; Ma was from Edinburgh and her accent was vaguely Manchester-ish, north-of-England variety. Craziness abounded in my house.
My Tanki-tank, Trostky-Lenin0097 confuses the players in the pits when they read my tank battle title. My Russian is not as good as my tank driving. I run over everything with abandon and jump off parapets, so you can imagine .
To have a truly enjoyable experience in any of these games, I need to be able to completely subvert the intended process. Please, gamers, do not send me an email bitching about me being a pain in the ass; I already know that. I'm not hacking, scamming or luring you. I am not exploiting a bug and I am not spoiling your fun. I played GTA Four for quite a while. I never completed any of the tasks. I just drove around, running over the hot dot vendors, moms with baby buggies and ran into buildings and occupied police cars.
Playing Runescape is a full 24/7 job for some and playing the game has all the charm of working in a sweat shop, with out the pesky transportation thing going on. Of course, you also don't have the pesky paycheck thing to go along with that. However, I hear that the Wi-Fi signal is strong under bridges now.
So, check out this transcript. My dear, kind friend, Rod Chatfield, has given me permission to share this:
- whats up?
- i'm loading software tonight/...
- The usual hoo-hah. and you?
- computer stuff..
- aah, just one of my favorite things; right under having the squirts, throwing up, and dying
- nice... lol
- yeah, I too am doing computer stuff...
- yeah, ain't it, though
- :
actually, I;m playing Runescape
- downloading files now..
- runescape??
- and running arrays for SETI@home and Cosmology at Cambridge Uni in England
- yes, a most excellent MMORPG
- nice
- I love this game
- I am not a typical gamer
- i try not to use them.. I get addicted..
- This is the only game I play
- and I'm a ranked player
- they can be a lot of fun.
- the game is insane and I belong to a Clan, and we're definitely crazy
- kind of late for you..
- I have tons of stories
- lol nice
- Thanks honey; it will be alright. Also, I got my purse stolen yesterday. I couldn't even scrape up any emotion more intense than complete indifference, lol
- ouch...
- indifference is my middle name some weeks...
- ROFL!!!
- It's just been a zoo around here
- and then....
- how so?
- get this, some rougue TOM cat cruised through here, ate the garbage that someone had so considerately left in the kitchen, peed on the plastic lawn chairs on the front porch and ran off
- a pigeon tried to walk in the back door yesterday. What the HELL?
- I sure hope the animals don't start driving and begin a Taxi service. I draw the line here
- understand that
- If they want to do the dishes, they can, but they need to stay away from the moving vehicles
- really
- so, one of my idiot friends in RuneScape was listening to me bitch and moan about the stupid happy Asshole Fire Giants my dork of a slayer master assigned me. All 154 of them
- I asked him where the closest ones are from where I was in the world of Runescape at the time....
- He's like blah, blah, blah, Brimhaven Dungeon...
- which is like from here to the Sun.
- So I said, hey, if they're any farther than my kitchen, they can go to Hell.
- and my friend said they were probably in there doing the dishes
- the whole Clan Chat disintegrated into hilarity
- jI hope all this drivel amuses you; I work hard at it Rod. I like to spread my cheer wherever I go
- I'm the only person in the world who thinks I'm the least bit funny.
- and no, my roomies break their necks telling me I'm not getting funnier as I get older
- doesn't slow me down any...
- it sure hasn't. you were always funny in high school, but man, you really rock now
- I'm just an idiot and do the most bone-headed things imaginable
- part of my charm...
- lamo
- lmao
- I started out that way..
- lol
- the sad thing? I did too and it never got better
- yeah... you got the picture
- my roommates had a real time tonight
- I got my home office all spruced up
- and then this giant fly, about the size of a Huey helicopter showed up when I broke out the cheese and crackers
- this is why I have to clean this sty once a week
- so, I flailed around at him
- hit my new printer, tipped over a lamp, and knocked it over
- so I'm like damn. I'm just going to tear up my nice neat office
- you need to start a reality tv show..
- I grabbed the handy Formula 409 bottle, and started running around the room, chasing the fly
- it was getting dark, but can we be bothered to turn on a light?
- NNNNOOOOOO
- That would be WWWWAYYYY too sensible
- that's why I blog this nonsense. A reality show would rock, though. Everyone on Nebraska Avenue is insane
- works for me.
- my kind of people
- and Runescape is supposed to be an escape
- It's an escape all right. Every loony from here to Alpha Centauri is on Runescape
- and they are TRULY crazy
- that does have the makeing of a great reality show...
- the only difference between the RS players and the jokers who lived in my former homeless shelter, FSJ, is the fact that the RS players have a little better understanding of reality
- I played all weekend, because they were granting 2 points for 1 point earned for all skilling credits
- everyone was on and at one point, my roomie Opal thought she should call 911.
- I laughed all weekend. We were swapping all our little experiences and memories
- It was hysterical
- nice
- then, I got in a chat with a guy named Alfredo, alias Abyss11, and a guy named Assault99 popped up
- well
- The confusion started when I called Assault99 "Greg" only his name is Bryce.
- Alfredo, aka Abbyss I started calling "bryce"
- Abbyss was jabbering away and I said, "cool bryce"
- and he yells out, "FFS, for the LAST TIME, I'm ALFREDO!!! Who the Hell is Bryce?!?!?"
- I'm on the floor rolling around
- I said to him, well, we dyed the Hillsborough River green for St Patty's day. It must be something in the water.
- Oh, and we all still have the shits here in Tampa
- nice
- my roommate Jimmie told me to say that, so it's his fault
- we are not wrapped tight over here in Tampa
- so, that's the story, kind of.
- but then, I started recounting some of my Clan Adventures to my roomies
- They were just stupefied. Slack-jawed
- keep em on their toes
- ROFL!!!!! Snort
- They're no better than I am
- We don't drink
- the last drink we all had was on New Year's Eve
- 2 glasses of a tequila punch Opal and I made
- well, SOMEBODY brought Communion wine into the house
- we proceeded to celebrate the Transfiguration
- who needs drink, sounds like you are haveing fun..
- I had 2, 2 mind you, 4 oz glasses of it
- I know; and we don't drink; we've all had people in our families who were alcoholics
- and we know the lessons
- I don't drink either
- I was giddy; and I was listenin to the Final movement of Beethoven's Ninth
- right on
- so..... I decided the whole of Nebraska Ave needed to hear "Ode to Joy" being how they aren't cheerful enough out there
- LOUD
- now, the roomies are rolling on the floor
- But the fly won, I think
- He manipulated me into doing a really swell St Vitus' dance on the bed, with my high intensigy flashlight, 409 and a fly swatter
- beyond absurd
- so, as you can see, we've moved from the animal-type encounters to insect contacts
- Aliens are coming up next
- cool
- Rod, with your permission, I would love to put this conversation in my Blog. But I will not do it, if you don't want me too
- cool with me..
- I love you; you've always been so kind to me. Thank you my dear friend
- you bet Mary..
- I need to run. Must put some time in on the guitar before bed time... Peace and Grace my friend
- are you sure I didn't just bore you into oblivion?
- JK
- not at all.. always good to shat with you.
The people in Runescape are generally kind people. There are over 9 million players, and I don't know if they're all still active, or ir they lurk or just hang out in the various banks and make crap. Out of that 9 million, however, I am ranked number 289,946 with a bullet. But I won't get hit by it because they haven't invented bullets yet in Runescape. Or guns. Throwing bullets at people is not a good offense strategy. There are the usual competitions, fights, hackings, scammings and lurings that can make these games easy to hate. But, we're all still grinding away making jewelry, building houses, killing other people, each other, monsters and just generally acting like hooligans.
And this is actually one of saner conversations I've participated in.
The duck going "eep" in the background is a nice touch.
Someone has waaayyyy too much time to spend on frivolity.
You get the idea. I do play some games, but they have to be something I can tear up to keep my attention. This brings me to Crazy Roller Coaster. I think you can only run it in Chrome, as it came from their app store. This game is a total scream. I actually figured out how to play it like a normal child, but I prefer the kind of open-endedness that allows one to explore one's hidden talent as a mass-murderer.
Level One, for those following along at home.
Boy, is this boring, or what?
This is starting to develop possibilities.
It's definitely more interesting now.
Valhalla awaits.
Götterdämmerung . Now, THAT's my idea of a ride!
WHY ARE NPCs SO INCOMPETENT IN RUNESCAPE?
Back to Runescape. Most if not all MMORPGs have NPCs (Non Player Characters.) The ones in RS are particularly clueless, incompetent and lazy. The last quest I did was this asinine thing with the Dark Wizards in their Tower. They want to have some kind shindig for Christmas. Mind you, there are 4 floors plus a basement in this damn tower. Crammed full of wizards. These idiot quests always begin when some lame-o, nameless gorm asks for your assistance. Now, if we were talking about deciding the fate of Morytania, or Goblin Village, we might have something challenging to do. But NOOOOOOOOO. The NPCs stand around, beg for money and just generally are a pain in the ass. But they don't DO anything that anyone would give a shit about.
So, these jerky wizards decide they need to have this party and they need your help. They give me a list of random crap about nine miles long and you can't get anything in the same place. That violates some kind of wizard law. Well, Merlin did set the bar and he doesn't do a damn thing as far as I can tell, except bicker with Arthur all day. Maybe he has something there.
Do you think these morons, seeing as how they're wizards and all, couldn't just conjure up all their party favors, pin-the-tail-on-the-Dragon games, balloons, cake, ice cream and Chivas Regal without my help? Nope. I guess it's in the wizard's Union Contract that you can be a wizard, but you better not actually DO ANYTHING. So, I proceed to run around all of Runescape getting all their nonsense and toting it to them. The tower should sink under the weight of all that plaster-of-paris they have on their broken legs. The wizards finally got their shit, and then proceeded to booger it all up, so they had a mess. End of quest.
I did a quest a few years ago called "One Small Favor." You start out by getting waylaid by Rosie the Riveter. She need some insect spray for her stupid geraniums. She asked me to go to Pestilence Pete for it. She's up in one of the northern-most kingdoms. I also have a kingdom, but I'm the only one who does a damned thing in it. Mine rocks, fish, farm, spin wool, milk cows and raise Hell killing those god-awful hairy trolls that mash you with rocks.
Anyway, off to see Pest Pete, who's in Ardougne, about a million cyber-miles. It's really only about nine feet in people distances. He thinks this is good,
but he needs one piece of silk from the Pasha in Al Karid. You can't steal it next door in the Ardougne Market, because that would be too easy? Shit. Off to Pasha, who needs ice from the Ice Dragons. They live in the God Wars Dungeon, to the northeast of this mess. Ice Dragon Lothar, or Igmo, as I call him, needs a pencil from the dude who lives in Lumbridge, to the southwest of of God Wars. Dude the Duke needs some kittens from Gertrude in Varrock. She wants some of that faboo Sphinx toenail polish. You can see where this is going... And... After all this, what next? YOU HAVE TO REPEAT THE WHOLE THING BACKWARDS AND DROP ALL THIS CRAP OFF TO EACH INDIVIDUAL. It took me three weeks to finish this damned thing.
Of course, all you really accomplish is the collection of a bunch of items that eat up your bank space. I usually just drop them on the floor and the "Happy Acres" resident bums who lurk in banks snarfle them up. The only thing these spongers are good at is making money. The sawmill guy has got to be the richest man in RS. And he's an asshole to boot. I have dubbed this quest, "129,748 Useless Favors." One of these days, when you have time, I'll tell you about "The Underground Pass" quest, which I have dubbed "The Underpants Pass." It's riveting.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF SIFOTS
Since we're pottering about in RS, I continue the theme with some virtual SIFOTS. Some of this nonsense might be pick-uppable in the real world, but probably not.
It's not just the NPCs who are clueless, the actual Forum Moderators are dolts, too.
This hung around Runescape for about 2 years. It has an actual theme song some yo-yo made up and recorded on YouTube. First person who finds it and emails me at www.homelessviola@gmail.com gets a time bomb.
Oops. How did this get here?
SpiritZ Stock Holder Meeting.
Why the Hell isn't he on his Saturday Show? I hate gate-crashers.
Only three hands? Everyone knows it's four. Pinhead.
Yes; Jagex had an IPO and now any old riff raff can join.
The screenshot heard 'round the world.
(Yes, really!)
Class of 2006
"Quit playing my organ, and get the Hell out of my house! Stalker!
In future, I will tell you a bit more about the indigenous populations of RS and other MMORPGs and also we can take a peek at the economies of some of these games, and how they mirror the real world.
So, that's our post for now. The editorial staff needs to get on the stick and plan this shit better. Fun-lovers, please do not email me with hate mail. If you play WoW, stick it in your ear!
Ciao my loves. I'll bellow at ya soon!
